Death Penalty Questionnaire

1. Name and occupation.
2. Name (if chosen for jury duty) and occupation (if chosen for jury duty).
3. Have you ever sat on a jury before? If so, was it lumpy, unyielding, or luxuriously soft and pliable?
4. Do you have any moral/lawful/awful/religious/ethical/sacred/scared/philosophical/illogical/stubborn/stillborn opposition to imposing the death penalty?
5. If so, if offered remuneration, would your answer remain the same?
6. Does your answer ever remain the same?
7. Do you know the defendant in this trial? Regardless, would you feel comfortable killing him/her?
8. Two men walk into a bar. One of them is innocent; the other is guilty. Whom do you hang?
9. Firing squad: great execution, or the greatest execution?
10. Do you currently own a gun? Have you owned one in the past? Would you like to own one in the future?
11. Two men walk into a bar; only one walks out. How many men should be executed?
12. Electric chair: great execution, or the greatest execution?
13. Freedom of choice or freedom from choice? Free will or Free Willy?
14. Do you agree with Matthew 5:38: “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth”? If so, whose eye(s) would you like? Whose tooth(s)?
15. Lethal injection: great execution, or the greatest execution?
16. Two men walk into a bar: a defendant and a prosecutor. The drunkest one is spared. Fair?
17. Should we bring back the guillotine? If so, for everyone, or only celebrities?
18. Are you a scaredy cat? Or are you a man?
19. Beheading: great execution, or the greatest execution?
20. Name three famous executed people. If you could bring them back, would you kill them again?
21. Have you or has anyone in your family ever been a victim of a violent crime? If not, would you like to be?
22. Two men walk into a bar: a felon and a misdemeanant. Which one is which? (This is a trick question.)
23. Drawn and quartered: great execution, or the greatest execution?

Larry O. Dean was born and raised in Flint, Michigan. His numerous books include Activities of Daily Living (2017), Brief Nudity (2013), Basic Cable Couplets (2012), abbrev (2011), About the Author (2011), and I Am Spam (2004). He is also an acclaimed singer-songwriter whose latest solo album is Good Grief (2015); the sophomore album from his band, The Injured Parties, is due later in 2017. For more info, go to larryodean.com.