clawing needles

i am realizing how truly manic i am i thought i was just happy but it was the mania holding my ribcage so tight that it mirrored excitement and everything is an antonym to itself always too fast and too slow and too loud and too quiet i just want one dimension but my mania told me i have four hands and that i can carry more more i can carry more i once had a boss that was surprised at how quick i completed assignments and send smiley faces in her emails i didnt tell her how mania clawed at my lungs i have known the scratching for years but i can finally see the marks the deepest show my mom and sister telling me to calm down and me complaining to my friends of how my family overreacted i want the cage to protect me from the scratches but my ribs have

spaces

spaces that allow for record needles to pierce through and sing a song that i cant hear no matter how loud the volume is it just sounds like the scratching of the needle when someone takes the needle off or puts the needle in the middle i don’t know how to make errr errr sound effect but i should watch all the youtube videos on the topic until i know exactly how it is made i can call it

research

because it will make me a better person to my parents who grew up listening to 45s and the only record player i have ever used was a fisher price one at a group home where i worked bit there i become obsessed with messing up the water temperature i tried to tell myself i could relate to the residents the best since i also had mental illness but i couldnt connect they were nonverbal and all i could do was read their profiles and assume did i assume incorrectly or correctly my boss told me not to let the resident touch the record player because he will break it but i i wanted him to be

happy

for just a moment and he played with the needle pulling it on and off the record and scratching the record and for a second the scratching in my mind muted he was happy a gappy smile was on his face and i finally felt as though i communicated with him but then his

favorite

record

broke

Rebecca Higgins is a writer from Minnesota. She received her undergraduate degree in Creative Writing from Hamline University. Her work can be found in The Fulcrum, Canvas, The Oracle, among other places. She can often be found cuddling with her cat, Remmy.